I’ve always been curious on how to tell if you’re with the wrong partner when YOU are the toxic one. It’s true that in psychology your brain learns early on in what is safe and what is not, but what if it never felt safe? I’ve always been curious about that, and would love to read on it, if there is an article on that :)
What do you mean what if it never felt safe? What if WHAT never felt safe?
If you had a difficult childhood, then you learned how to navigate those situations in ways that let you feel safe. So as an adult, those unhealthy situations will feel safe to you. If you grew up with neglect, then you'll feel safe with an emotionally unavailable person or with surface vulnerability instead of real vulnerability. Someone you genuinely connect with or have real vulnerability with will scare the shit out of you and you'll push them away. You self-sabotage because you have a distorted safety net/comfort zone.
There are TONS of articles on this topic, but the credibility of the info is inconsistent. Read the Journeys on unravelrelationships.com. And the foundations, too. Those should help you better understand a lot of this stuff.
As far as how to tell if you're the toxic one - that get's tricky. The toxic kind of behavior is usually a complete lack of self-awareness + strong defense mechanisms + low empathy for others. But the more common types of unhealthy relationships are not the toxic abusive kind. It's couples that are settling - doesn't want to be single again, too old to start over, feel obligated to stay for the other, doesn't want to be the "bad guy"....so they use denial to convince themselves staying is the right thing to do. That leads to unhealthy patterns because it involved hiding their real feelings and misleading the other person.
I agree, relationship advice on the internet tends to be clickbaity and manipulative. Consumers should take advice from the internet with a grain of salt, especially with something as sensitive as relationships. People need to make their own judgements about their relationships or even seek professional help from a counselor to get a full scope on the dynamic from an unbiased third party. Excited to see more of your thoughts on your blog!
I love the article and i look forward to reading more i would appreciate it if you had time to look at my article on the use of reflective writing as a theraputic tool. A profesional assesment would be super valuable. Thanks Truth x.
I’ve always been curious on how to tell if you’re with the wrong partner when YOU are the toxic one. It’s true that in psychology your brain learns early on in what is safe and what is not, but what if it never felt safe? I’ve always been curious about that, and would love to read on it, if there is an article on that :)
What do you mean what if it never felt safe? What if WHAT never felt safe?
If you had a difficult childhood, then you learned how to navigate those situations in ways that let you feel safe. So as an adult, those unhealthy situations will feel safe to you. If you grew up with neglect, then you'll feel safe with an emotionally unavailable person or with surface vulnerability instead of real vulnerability. Someone you genuinely connect with or have real vulnerability with will scare the shit out of you and you'll push them away. You self-sabotage because you have a distorted safety net/comfort zone.
There are TONS of articles on this topic, but the credibility of the info is inconsistent. Read the Journeys on unravelrelationships.com. And the foundations, too. Those should help you better understand a lot of this stuff.
As far as how to tell if you're the toxic one - that get's tricky. The toxic kind of behavior is usually a complete lack of self-awareness + strong defense mechanisms + low empathy for others. But the more common types of unhealthy relationships are not the toxic abusive kind. It's couples that are settling - doesn't want to be single again, too old to start over, feel obligated to stay for the other, doesn't want to be the "bad guy"....so they use denial to convince themselves staying is the right thing to do. That leads to unhealthy patterns because it involved hiding their real feelings and misleading the other person.
Your emphasis on behaviour over blame is the exact kind of nuance the current relationship discourse is missing.
Great to have your voice on Substack. I have subscribed and look forward to reading more. I would love you to do the same, if my writing resonates.
Great points throughout. Useful and meaningful information. Thanks for sharing.
I agree, relationship advice on the internet tends to be clickbaity and manipulative. Consumers should take advice from the internet with a grain of salt, especially with something as sensitive as relationships. People need to make their own judgements about their relationships or even seek professional help from a counselor to get a full scope on the dynamic from an unbiased third party. Excited to see more of your thoughts on your blog!
I love the article and i look forward to reading more i would appreciate it if you had time to look at my article on the use of reflective writing as a theraputic tool. A profesional assesment would be super valuable. Thanks Truth x.