Why Dating Apps Are The Worst

Everyone is on them, and everyone secretly hates them.

Dating apps have changed not only how we date, but how we feel. 10 years ago they quickly became a dating norm. Everyone was on them, and everyone loved them.

(What were we thinking?)

Fast forward to now, and the frustration is real. More and more people are complaining about them, wishing they could go back to pre-historic dating when you met in bars and swapped phone numbers instead of Instagram handles.

So what gives? What makes them so bad?

Holy Data, Batman!

First let’s talk about attraction and “chemistry.” We think of attraction in terms of looks and composure, but it’s actually much deeper than that. Our nervous systems collect so much information that we are oblivious to.

The dilation of pupils, the speed and cadence of their breathing, tiny micro expressions that the naked eye can’t recognize. Pheromones are chemical signals that trigger physiological responses in others, usually in the form of undetectable scents.

Even saliva carries dozens of informative tidbits, which is why a kiss can be really intense, or just meh.

What we call chemistry is actually biology.

You may not remember if they had their palms facing up or down, but your nervous system does. (Visible palms suggest safety.)

We’re talking teeny tiny cues that have teeny tiny responses, all in a teeny tiny millisecond. This is what we often think of as “vibes.”

With dating apps, you get approximately none of that data. You see a 2D photo and read a few lines of flattering text. You’re trying to determine a match with almost none of the necessary information.

It’s like wanting to love your Ikea furniture because the photos online looked good. But let’s be honest—Ikea furniture never looks like it’s online photos.

So what do our brains do about the missing data? They fill in the gaps to create a full picture. It’s fiction, obviously. But we don’t consciously register that.

Why is the book always better than the movie? Because you built the scenes. You imagined the people. You have a version in your head that is uniquely yours. When you read a book you have to actively engage with it and create the images yourself. The movie will look different. Not necessarily bad, just not what you expected.

We take a few photos and lines of text and imagine the whole person. We don’t necessarily idealize them, our image is often fairly average, but it’s biased to our own liking.

So the problem isn’t that the person wasn’t good enough, it’s that they didn’t match the version of who you imagined them to be.

Only we don’t know that—it’s all subconscious. None of us has any idea this is what’s happening.

When you show up, what you see is not what you expected.

It turns out the fake image you invented wasn’t real.

Shocking, I know.

What People Really Want

When people go on dating apps, they are generally looking for a person—or so they think. Why we do things and why we think we do things are often very different. You use dating apps to date, right?

Maybe. Sometimes.

Have you ever found someone you wanted to connect with, sent them a message, and by the time they replied, you’d lost interest? You were most likely seeking validation, not connection.

You may have wanted reassurance that you are attractive enough to get a response. Maybe you needed a confidence boost. Maybe you were feeling lonely when you sent it, but you’re not anymore.

And when someone messages you then ignores your reply? Feels pretty shitty, doesn’t it?

The thing is, not responding likely had nothing to do with you. They were never looking for a person, they were looking for a feeling.

Reassurance. Validation. Relief. Confidence.

Validation on demand, now streaming on Hinge.

The big problem here is that one person is outsourcing their sense of worth onto the app, while the other person gets hit by the fallout. Both can be damaging.

Dating apps are validation machines. People often use the apps to regulate their own loneliness, boredom, or self-doubt, without realizing someone else is on the receiving end of that.

None of it is done with malice, it’s just how the emotional physics of dating apps work. Over the course of months or years, these can have a significant impact.

Not only is it an exhausting process with terrible ROI for many people, but it can actually make you feel worse about yourself. And while it may fill a void or boost confidence briefly, they aren’t actually meeting real needs. It’s a high that doesn’t last. You go back and swipe for more.

Don’t get me wrong – some people have great dating app experiences. We’ve all heard Tinder success stories. I have friends who met on Match and have been married for 16 years strong.

Anonymity Can Lead to Bad Behavior

The people you swipe are real people, right?

As someone who tried hinge twice, for a few months each time, I can tell you that the sexual harassment is real. And it’s often as quick as the first message. People can become creepy creepsters when they’re typing on their phone to a photo.

The way people behave on dating apps can be appalling. And I’m sure some of those people are just appalling people. But many of them would never behave that way in person. The lack of nervous system connection and 3D interaction makes it easy to forget you’re talking to a real person with real feelings.

The internet as a whole creates an environment where people can say awful things with a complete lack of consequence.

In person, they’d have to see your face when they say a mean thing. They’d have to hear their own words out loud. They’d have to behave physically to match their words. Many people would be too embarrassed or unable to be so hurtful when they actually have to answer to it. It’s uncomfortable.

But on an app? They don’t have to speak it, they don’t have to face the person they say it to, and no one is watching. Being a bitch or asshole has never been easier.

Swiper, No Swiping!

Dating apps remove your nervous system from the conversation. The unconscious data necessary to form attraction and chemistry (ahem, biology) is absent. They meet the wrong needs. They open us up to hurtful behavior, whichever side of it you’re on.

Ten years ago, dating apps were ubiquitous and people loved them. Today, people are getting tired of trying to find love by swiping in two dimensions.

It turns out love works better in 3D.

____________________________________________________________________________________________

Want to test how well you can spot emotional manipulation? Take the quiz.

Feedback is encouraged and always appreciated, even if it’s negative!
Leave a comment below.