How Well Do You Actually Understand Emotional Manipulation and Unhealthy Relationships?

Most people don't understand it as well as they think.

If emotional manipulation (EM) was relatively easy to spot, it wouldn’t work. People who are emotionally manipulative rarely say the kinds of things we’re told to watch out for.

So those lists of red flags? Toss ‘em. They’re not entirely useless, but they’re pretty close. I’d actually argue they do more harm than good. If you’re on the lookout for very overt and obvious signs of EM, you’ll miss the actual abuse that’s happening.

Our overconfidence is part of what makes us an easy target. And manipulative people know it.

Ever think to yourself (or say out loud) “If my partner was abusive, I’d leave.” It seems logical, right? But do you think the people who don’t leave abusive relationships once said “If my partner was abusive, I’d stay”?

I’m going out on a limb here and guessing not. Abuse never starts as abuse. It typically starts as a great relationship, then very slowly and very gradually shifts.

And it does things to your brain that make an obvious thought, “I’d leave” into a much more complicated situation.

For my Master’s Thesis, I conducted a study where people took a quiz about EM, then received explanations of the psychological mechanisms behind the answers. Not just “XYZ is a red flag” but “here’s how and why XYZ works the way it does.” Then they took a similar quiz to see if they did better. (They did. And my results are being downloaded like crazy across the planet.)

What was most interesting—and in my opinion, most important—were the comments people made. “Why is this the first time I’m learning this?” “This finally makes sense after years of trying to figure out what was happening in my marriage.” “This is a sobering moment.”

The most moving comments were from the people who recognized abuse in their relationships based on what they learned.

Even more moving—the people who said “I had no idea I was the abuser.” Around 7% of the study participants put that in writing. That’s not a small number. People saw ways they were unknowingly using manipulative and harmful tactics on their partners—and admitted it.

That. That is why I do the work I do. No one else seems to be looking at unhealthy relationships like this. It’s a lens not even educators are looking at.

In fact, my work was once called “highly inappropriate” in a university setting, and I was prohibited from presenting there.

Luckily, the American Psychological Association disagreed, as they invited me to present it at their annual conference later that same year. It was a big relief to find my work was not actually inappropriate at all.

Anyway, I digress.

The point is, I revamped my quiz without the academic constraints that limited its power (in my opinion.) And here it is:

Emotional Manipulation Quiz

The best part? After completing the quiz, you get a link to the Answer Explainer which — get this — explains the answer. What a novel idea.

What’s more? You are not required to create a login or give me your email address to see your score or get the explainer.

So take the quiz. See how you do. Learn some things.

And if you could be so kind, leave some feedback at the end so I know what’s working and what’s not.

Good luck!

*This is a research-based knowledge quiz, not a magazine-style fluff piece. Please give yourself about 15 minutes to complete it.