That can become problematic in a lot of ways. For one, it can put pressure on someone to stay with their partner even if the relationship isn’t working.

When you fear something is off and consider ending a relationship, friends often appear shocked and confused. Even if they see the issue, no one wants to point out the painful elephant in the room.

Rather than asking questions to better understand your reasons, they say things like “But you guys are so great together!” or “But we all love [partner’s name]!” Which can feel dismissive of your feelings and concerns.

Because if things were so great, you wouldn’t be thinking about leaving.

Breakups can require a lot from a friend. They’ll have to support you through your heartbreak and all the emotions that come with it.

They can also divide friend groups. Breakups force people to take sides and may cast the partner who leaves as selfish or disloyal. If someone validates your concerns rather than glossing over it, they may be seen as being hurtful or unkind.

Bringing up a truth that others don’t want to believe risks being blamed for causing the breakup.

This is a classic example of pluralistic ignorance. The social fallout creates pressure for everyone to avoid the truth, even though it only protects those outside the relationship. Everyone avoids the truth, even when they see it.

Ever watch someone be supportive and excited about a friend’s wedding, then turn around and say “I give it 18 months.”? People do this all the time.

Most people don’t want to be responsible for making waves, breaking up a “happy” couple, or destabilizing the group. Reassurance and comforting words may feel kinder than acknowledging the truth.

But is it kinder?

Comfort culture would say yes. It frames protecting your friend’s current feelings as the kinder thing to do.

But that instinct can have unintended consequences.

When friends ignore your relationship concerns out of “kindness”, it can feel like your feelings don’t matter. It sends the message that group dynamics and your friends’ comfort are more important than what you want for yourself. You start to think your feelings don’t matter - others’ feelings come first.

Expectations around your relationship make you think that once a tough situation passes, once you move in together, once you’re engaged or married…things will get better. So, you stay.

By the time you realize it’s not getting better, it feels like you’ve come too far to back out.

If you do, it would make you look cruel or embarrass your partner. It would disrupt plans, force someone to move out, or even require calling off a wedding. Leaving now would let everyone down. You feel stuck.

This social “kindness” can also damage the relationship itself. If knowing the truth about your doubts and concerns might change your partner’s choice to be in the relationship, then withholding that truth removes their informed consent. Your partner is choosing a relationship that isn’t what they believe it to be.

Social pressure can make honesty feel too risky.

The relationship may continue and seem to move forward, but it will start to feel less authentic, less genuine. Both of you will feel it. Staying for the wrong reasons hurts both people in the long run. And the longer you stay, the more damage you’ll cause.

Comfort culture is problematic because it confuses hurtful with harmful. Ending a relationship hurts. Hearing a difficult truth hurts. Having an honest conversation hurts. But none of these inherently cause harm.

Avoiding them can.

People think overlooking a painful truth is kinder than acknowledging it. They think they’re protecting their friend, group dynamics, or their own discomfort. But if it hides information that could affect a relationship decision, avoiding it may create pressure to stay on a path that will do far more damage later.

____________________________________________________________________________________________

Want to test how well you can spot emotional manipulation? Take the quiz.

So those lists of red flags? Toss ‘em. They’re not entirely useless, but they’re pretty close. I’d actually argue they do more harm than good. If you’re on the lookout for very overt and obvious signs of EM, you’ll miss the actual abuse that’s happening.

Our overconfidence is part of what makes us an easy target. And manipulative people know it.

Ever think to yourself (or say out loud) “If my partner was abusive, I’d leave.” It seems logical, right? But do you think the people who don’t leave abusive relationships once said “If my partner was abusive, I’d stay”?

I’m going out on a limb here and guessing not. Abuse never starts as abuse. It typically starts as a great relationship, then very slowly and very gradually shifts.

And it does things to your brain that make an obvious thought, “I’d leave” into a much more complicated situation.

For my Master’s Thesis, I conducted a study where people took a quiz about EM, then received explanations of the psychological mechanisms behind the answers. Not just “XYZ is a red flag” but “here’s how and why XYZ works the way it does.” Then they took a similar quiz to see if they did better. (They did. And my results are being downloaded like crazy across the planet.)

What was most interesting—and in my opinion, most important—were the comments people made. “Why is this the first time I’m learning this?” “This finally makes sense after years of trying to figure out what was happening in my marriage.” “This is a sobering moment.”

The most moving comments were from the people who recognized abuse in their relationships based on what they learned.

Even more moving—the people who said “I had no idea I was the abuser.” Around 7% of the study participants put that in writing. That’s not a small number. People saw ways they were unknowingly using manipulative and harmful tactics on their partners—and admitted it.

That. That is why I do the work I do. No one else seems to be looking at unhealthy relationships like this. It’s a lens not even educators are looking at.

In fact, my work was once called “highly inappropriate” in a university setting, and I was prohibited from presenting there.

Luckily, the American Psychological Association disagreed, as they invited me to present it at their annual conference later that same year. It was a big relief to find my work was not actually inappropriate at all.

Anyway, I digress.

The point is, I revamped my quiz without the academic constraints that limited its power (in my opinion.) And here it is:

Emotional Manipulation Quiz

The best part? After completing the quiz, you get a link to the Answer Explainer which — get this — explains the answer. What a novel idea.

What’s more? You are not required to create a login or give me your email address to see your score or get the explainer.

So take the quiz. See how you do. Learn some things.

And if you could be so kind, leave some feedback at the end so I know what’s working and what’s not.

Good luck!

*This is a research-based knowledge quiz, not a magazine-style fluff piece. Please give yourself about 15 minutes to complete it.

(What were we thinking?)

Fast forward to now, and the frustration is real. More and more people are complaining about them, wishing they could go back to pre-historic dating when you met in bars and swapped phone numbers instead of Instagram handles.

So what gives? What makes them so bad?

Holy Data, Batman!

First let’s talk about attraction and “chemistry.” We think of attraction in terms of looks and composure, but it’s actually much deeper than that. Our nervous systems collect so much information that we are oblivious to.

The dilation of pupils, the speed and cadence of their breathing, tiny micro expressions that the naked eye can’t recognize. Pheromones are chemical signals that trigger physiological responses in others, usually in the form of undetectable scents.

Even saliva carries dozens of informative tidbits, which is why a kiss can be really intense, or just meh.

What we call chemistry is actually biology.

You may not remember if they had their palms facing up or down, but your nervous system does. (Visible palms suggest safety.)

We’re talking teeny tiny cues that have teeny tiny responses, all in a teeny tiny millisecond. This is what we often think of as “vibes.”

With dating apps, you get approximately none of that data. You see a 2D photo and read a few lines of flattering text. You’re trying to determine a match with almost none of the necessary information.

It’s like wanting to love your Ikea furniture because the photos online looked good. But let’s be honest—Ikea furniture never looks like it’s online photos.

So what do our brains do about the missing data? They fill in the gaps to create a full picture. It’s fiction, obviously. But we don’t consciously register that.

Why is the book always better than the movie? Because you built the scenes. You imagined the people. You have a version in your head that is uniquely yours. When you read a book you have to actively engage with it and create the images yourself. The movie will look different. Not necessarily bad, just not what you expected.

We take a few photos and lines of text and imagine the whole person. We don’t necessarily idealize them, our image is often fairly average, but it’s biased to our own liking.

So the problem isn’t that the person wasn’t good enough, it’s that they didn’t match the version of who you imagined them to be.

Only we don’t know that—it’s all subconscious. None of us has any idea this is what’s happening.

When you show up, what you see is not what you expected.

It turns out the fake image you invented wasn’t real.

Shocking, I know.

What People Really Want

When people go on dating apps, they are generally looking for a person—or so they think. Why we do things and why we think we do things are often very different. You use dating apps to date, right?

Maybe. Sometimes.

Have you ever found someone you wanted to connect with, sent them a message, and by the time they replied, you’d lost interest? You were most likely seeking validation, not connection.

You may have wanted reassurance that you are attractive enough to get a response. Maybe you needed a confidence boost. Maybe you were feeling lonely when you sent it, but you’re not anymore.

And when someone messages you then ignores your reply? Feels pretty shitty, doesn’t it?

The thing is, not responding likely had nothing to do with you. They were never looking for a person, they were looking for a feeling.

Reassurance. Validation. Relief. Confidence.

Validation on demand, now streaming on Hinge.

The big problem here is that one person is outsourcing their sense of worth onto the app, while the other person gets hit by the fallout. Both can be damaging.

Dating apps are validation machines. People often use the apps to regulate their own loneliness, boredom, or self-doubt, without realizing someone else is on the receiving end of that.

None of it is done with malice, it’s just how the emotional physics of dating apps work. Over the course of months or years, these can have a significant impact.

Not only is it an exhausting process with terrible ROI for many people, but it can actually make you feel worse about yourself. And while it may fill a void or boost confidence briefly, they aren’t actually meeting real needs. It’s a high that doesn’t last. You go back and swipe for more.

Don’t get me wrong – some people have great dating app experiences. We’ve all heard Tinder success stories. I have friends who met on Match and have been married for 16 years strong.

Anonymity Can Lead to Bad Behavior

The people you swipe are real people, right?

As someone who tried hinge twice, for a few months each time, I can tell you that the sexual harassment is real. And it’s often as quick as the first message. People can become creepy creepsters when they’re typing on their phone to a photo.

The way people behave on dating apps can be appalling. And I’m sure some of those people are just appalling people. But many of them would never behave that way in person. The lack of nervous system connection and 3D interaction makes it easy to forget you’re talking to a real person with real feelings.

The internet as a whole creates an environment where people can say awful things with a complete lack of consequence.

In person, they’d have to see your face when they say a mean thing. They’d have to hear their own words out loud. They’d have to behave physically to match their words. Many people would be too embarrassed or unable to be so hurtful when they actually have to answer to it. It’s uncomfortable.

But on an app? They don’t have to speak it, they don’t have to face the person they say it to, and no one is watching. Being a bitch or asshole has never been easier.

Swiper, No Swiping!

Dating apps remove your nervous system from the conversation. The unconscious data necessary to form attraction and chemistry (ahem, biology) is absent. They meet the wrong needs. They open us up to hurtful behavior, whichever side of it you’re on.

Ten years ago, dating apps were ubiquitous and people loved them. Today, people are getting tired of trying to find love by swiping in two dimensions.

It turns out love works better in 3D.

____________________________________________________________________________________________

Want to test how well you can spot emotional manipulation? Take the quiz.

Feedback is encouraged and always appreciated, even if it’s negative!
Leave a comment below.

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But relationships and emotions are anything but intuitive. Your feelings are real, but they aren’t always true. And instincts are often based on a faulty autopilot.

Most of us assume we’ll recognize unhealthy dynamics when we see them. If something is wrong, it’ll feel wrong. If someone is manipulating us, we’ll know it. If a relationship is unhealthy, it’ll have problems.

Right?

Unfortunately, that’s not how any of this works.

The nervous system prioritizes survival. It doesn’t care if you’re happy—it only cares that you’re safe.

This makes the nervous system incredibly good at convincing you that confusing situations make sense, harmful dynamics are normal, you’re not good enough for someone, or genuine love is dangerous. And you will believe whatever it tells you.

Because it does not matter how smart you are.

Your nervous system is smarter.

The Public Discourse

In today’s world, we have access to all the knowledge we could ever imagine. Unfortunately, we’re also inundated with misinformation.

If it’s on the internet, it must be true.

Especially if it’s on social media. That’s where a lot of relationship “advice” circulates. Some of it is credible. Most of it is not.

The problem is people don’t know what to believe, so they often believe whatever resonates with them and dismiss what doesn’t. It becomes an echo chamber reinforcing unhealthy soundbites.

Relationship advice is often oversimplified to the point of being wrong—or even harmful. Some ideas might technically be true, but they’re horribly misrepresented or expressed as universal truths when they’re actually circumstantial.

It’s all buzzwords and clickbait.

To be honest, even a lot of the “good” content is less than helpful. So much of it emphasizes moral validation and focuses on surface level things like identifying red flags, setting boundaries, diagnosing narcissism, understanding triggers, or giving quick advice about what people “should” do.

These ideas aren’t objectively bad, but the average consumer has no clue how to figure out which relationship content to trust—or what might be missing from the conversation altogether.

To be fair, it’s pretty hard. We try to think logically, but this is a topic where traditional logic often leads to the wrong conclusions.

So What’s My Point?

People want this information—it’s in high demand.

Unfortunately, the supply sucks.

We need better content, better commentary, and better myth-busters. We need unpopular opinions and unfiltered reality. So I started a blog.

You’re welcome.

But there’s another pressing issue that almost no one talks about. The majority of unhealthy relationship content focuses almost entirely on toxic dynamics and overt abuse. Sadly, this is overlooked even in academic research.

But the vast majority of unhealthy relationships are not toxic or abusive. In fact, most of them are loving relationships between two partners that genuinely care for one another.

True story.

People stay in relationships for a lot of wrong reasons. Maybe they dread single life, feel too old to start over, or are running out of time before their ovaries tell them to fuck off.

Whatever the reason, it unintentionally creates quiet dysfunction that slowly eats away at one or both partners. These dynamics also have an unusual ability to expand the harm beyond the couple, often leaving others in the wake of collateral damage.

And virtually no one is talking about this. So I want to get that conversation started.

But Can You Trust Me?

Content creators almost all claim to be educated experts and have the best information, even when that’s wildly inaccurate. So why believe me?

Because I’m an educated expert and I have the best information.

Trust me.

All kidding aside, if you want my full credentials, you can find them here and here. But the most relevant thing I can tell you is that from 2023–2024, I conducted one of the first academic studies focused entirely on emotional manipulation and the mechanisms that drive it. And it turns out we may be looking at unhealthy relationships all wrong.

I also presented my research at the world’s largest psychological conference (APA, Denver 2025). Since then, my study has been downloaded over 1200 times across 68 (and growing) countries and cited in other academic publications. #braggingrights

One might say I know some things.

And I want you to know them too.

This blog will be mostly commentary and myth busting, but if you want a deeper educational experience, I also have a platform called UNRAVEL that explains relationship psychology in great detail. If you don’t know where to start, there are 5 Journeys that walk you through the full cycle of unhealthy relationships, your own patterns, and ways to support a friend.

And it’s written in clear, relatable language.

There’s no jargon there. No unnecessarily complicated language. No 7 syllable words. (Wait…Neu-ro-plas-tic-i-ty. Phew, only 6.)

One Last Thing, and This is Pretty Important

UNRAVEL and UNRAVEL Unfiltered intentionally avoid blame, shame, and moral validation.

The purpose is to help people better understand their patterns and relationships, not to judge them. I explain what’s happening, how and why it works, and the harm it can cause. But I focus on the behavior, not what it may or may not say about the person.

There are no heroes or villains in my work.

Want to test how well you can spot emotional manipulation? Take the quiz.

Feedback is encouraged and always appreciated, even if it’s negative!
Leave a comment below.